A funny take on Horoscopes by Shreya :)

ARIES:

The stars predict a very tumultuous period for you as far as your academic performance is concerned, primarily triggered off by sleeping off while giving your examinations or doodling aimlessly on your answer sheet, thanks to lack of basic knowledge of what the paper is about. Ganesha also predicts the onset of financial woes, which will prevail till the end of the year, when things might start looking up due to the emergence of your long lost godfather.

Lucky Object: Memory enhancers (to beat the exams, you dimwit!)

TAURUS:

The ascent of Mars in the second house calls for unexpected tiffs with your girlfriend/boyfriend and best friend, which will result in the former leaving you for your best friend. Then again, this might be a blessing in disguise because of the reduction in the strain on your pocket, which can now be used to buy that PS-3 she wouldn’t gift you. The music society in your college will notice you, and you will be singing along with Bappi Lahiri at his next concert.

Lucky Object: A personalized gold chain and a pair of gold shoes to match.

GEMINI:

Family time means a lot to you, especially in these times of financial crisis which requires you to humour your parents so as to retain your status in your friends’ circle. The descent of Saturn in the fourth house calls for renewed vigour to rejuvenate your stagnant academic life, which is reeling from the losses suffered due to the lack of attendance in tests and practicals. You might get lucky and go abroad for a job as a cleaner in a world class restaurant.

Lucky Object: ‘The Inscrutable Americans’ by Anurag Mathur.

CANCER:

Bad times, bad times…you will fail all your exams, repeat a year, get dumped by your girlfriend/boyfriend or will be ignored by the opposite sex completely. That dream job continues to elude you, and you can do nothing but mutter to yourself in the bathroom, worrying your parents about your sanity.

Lucky Object: Sorry my friend, your luck’s run out this year!

LEO:

The stars are shining down on you, for they predict a turnaround in your fortunes. You will be noticed for your tomfoolery in classes and offered the role of an extra in an upcoming Hindi flick. The Dramatics Society in your college will regret not noticing you earlier and will make you their mascot…but beware the tomatoes that might fall on your head at college festivals, as a punishment for not learning your dialogues.

Lucky Object: A shield and loads of Clinic All Clear.

VIRGO:

Girls are expected to hoard the beauty parlours as the college prom night comes closer, so the guys can avoid feeling left out by using the fairness creams specially made for them, which will start flooding the market at rapid rates. Your pocket will bear the burden of an increase in prices in your McDonald’s burger, which will make the canteen menu dearer to you, so what if its infested with rats?

Lucky Object: Red nailpolish on the right hand and white on the left.

LIBRA:

Pluto is in the fourth house and this spells mixed fortunes for you. You will be noticed for your inspiring oratory(when convincing your classmates to bunk a lecture) and will be made to stand for college elections. This may have the adverse effect of irregularity in submission of pending assignments, he buildup of which will result in notices being sent to your home and your parents interfering with your jaunts to the nearest multiplex.

Lucky Object: A fluorescent green cap (to save your head from the barrage of mockery).

SCORPIO:

A run in with the Head of Department will result in frequent trips to the Principal’s office, which will ultimately result in your expulsion and migration into another university and another course. This may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, due to the sudden increase in the number of dating options and proximity of your new college to the swanky new theatre which offers you a discount on all movie tickets.

Lucky Object: Green hair colour and your credit card.

SAGITTARIUS:

Jupiter is pleased with all your efforts, and you will shine in your academic performance and be made the President of the Dramatics Society, which will result in you being noticed and picked to play the co-star in a Hindi flick starring Himesh Reshammiya. Girls had better watch out, as their boyfriends will be moody with India’s losses in the cricket series with Australia, which will spell doom for their love life.

Lucky Object: A silver ring on each finger.

CAPRICORN:

Ganesha advises you to exercise caution this year, as you will be subject to frequent accidents which will land you in hospital for a month, as a result of which you will lose a year. Your lack of interest in the enhancement of the college magazine will result in your removal as the Editor of the magazine and your adversary taking up the same, which will result in a broken heart.

Lucky Object: ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’

AQUARIUS:

Neptune smiles kindly down on you, and you will taste success in all fields, which will make you a favourite with your teachers, friends and parents. Beware the sudden increase in hot headedness, which might lead to a nervous breakdown at the end of the year.

Lucky Object: A sponge on your forehead.

PISCES:

You really are hard pressed for luck in your romantic life, as you will be caught cheating on your partner which will lead to a dip in your social life. Nothing will seem in place and this will affect your performance in all other fields, leading to social ostracism.

Lucky Object: Blue lipstick

Source: www.thecheezeway.com